"Well, what SSRI's have you been on?"
"Let's start with what SSRI's HAVEN'T I been on."
That would be the pinnacle of the conversation between my psychiatrist and I during an emergency appointment during which I requested to switch medications.
I've been on anti-depressants on and off for the last 5 years or so. Some people will tell you not to mess with them, some will tell you they're all you need. I tend to stand the middle ground and believe that they have their place in the healing process but shouldn't be solely depended on.
Needless to say, after 5 years of trial and error in figuring out which medication is best for that period in my life, I've grown a bit weary of having to depend on a pill to aid in my healing process. After leaving the psychiatrist this week I broke down in my car and started bawling as a wave of confusion and frustration flooded my mind. I'm sure you've had these thoughts, too, if you've ever been on anti-depressants for an extended amount of time:
"I just want to be better."
"What's wrong with me?"
"How messed up must I be that I'm not okay without these?"
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP."
As a Christian people tried to tell me God would heal me.
As a patient people tried to tell me medicine would heal me.
As a psych major people tried to tell me therapy would heal me.
As a human people tried to tell me I had to heal me.
As Courtney Quijas I honestly believe all of those have played and will continued to play their part in my healing and fight against depression.
This is both comforting and frustrating as I look at where I'm at right now. My relationship with God is distant at best; I'm currently going between meds (which is hell if you've been there); I've been to enough therapists to have addressed nearly every psychological, relational, and spiritual problem I've had; and right now I'm staring at the face of this enormous mountain I know only I can climb.
But I've been in cahoots with God long enough to know he is my ultimate desire and will be ever-present; the meds are an aid, not an answer- which is good, because even medicine has it's drawbacks; I'm comfortable enough in therapeutic situations to be able to openly address any issues I'm having whenever I need a little guidance; I'm learning that the only thing that's stopping me from climbing that mountain is myself.
Yeah, it is frustrating to have to try yet another anti-depressant. Especially when getting off one and starting another causes alot of major psychological, physical, and emotional effects that can be pretty inhibiting with regards to daily life.
But hang in there. At least, that's what I try to tell myself.
Because after all, it's a step. Albeit a frustrating one, but a step towards getting better. My hope is that someday I won't need them- that because they help me now I'll be stronger on my own in the future.
