Put Your Behind in the Past: Putting the Past Behind You

I suppose as both an occasionally depressed person and as a person who has made a number of mistakes, there are times when I positively and vehemently hate myself and the things I’ve done.

The hearts I stole.

The promises I broke.

The person I swore I’d never become.

It’s so easy to let these things overwhelm and suffocate you. It’s happening right now and has been for a while for me. But if you get so heavy-laden with the burdens of the past, there’s no more energy to take any steps toward moving forward.

I can’t take away the things I’ve done or the person I allowed myself to become. I own up to it, at least in my heart. I can’t change the past. There’s no point in dwelling, wallowing, or letting it control me. But I can let it motivate me.

Things I’ve learned:

I simply cannot exist or function without an active relationship with my God. Everything else is just a poor reflection of the love I receive and pleasure I get from him.

Selfishness only leads to emptiness. The fear that keeps you from giving all you’ve got or taking that step will often keep you in a miserable existence. You can’t keep letting others define who you are- only you can do that. The more you run away from yourself, the more you’ll lose yourself- the emptier you feel.

Sex is a gift- some will throw it away, some will use it to curse you, some will accept it and use it to bless you in return. Please choose the person you give it to wisely. Never let your desire for intimacy with another person be completely overrun by your desire to be physically united with them.

I am not my mistakes- this much I know at least in the back of my mind. I am not how many hearts I’ve stolen or how many promises I’ve broken. According to what I believe (which has proven true thus far), I am spotless and clean. Washed of all the things that bore down on me and separated me from the thing I love the most. The catch? That that thing remains the thing I will always love the most.

The future: keep moving forward.

I cannot stop fighting for the one thing that’s given me a reason to live- my relationship with God. As soon as we get comfortable, we forget to keep running and keep fighting. Comfort is growth’s greatest enemy. Maybe it’s time to get a little uncomfortable.

I know who and whose I was created to be, the person I am at my purest and often rarest moments. Ruddy and beautiful, tender-hearted, fiercely passionate, a little crazy, a lot of feelings, strong as steel and soft as velvet. I cannot quit fighting to be that person.

My body and my love are both gifts I never want to use to ensnare people again. Instead, I want to use them to make others (well, specifically one other) stronger. It means letting go of some of my selfish desires and taking an honest interest in what would benefit the other person. It also means making some hard decisions. I want my love to be true and, when I do allow another person to enjoy my body, I want it to be a genuine expression.

Living for the now.

Stuck between what was and what will be, I can only live right now. Forgive myself for the past and let it go, acknowledging the future and doing what I can to make it a better place (pardon the corny phrase), and simply being present in the moment.

Nothing can touch or change my perspective and identity right now except for me. Free from the chains of yesterday and burdens of tomorrow, I can and will live today for the purpose I was given today with as much UMPH as possible. After all, tomorrow today will be yesterday.