I never knew the consequences of my past would be so destructive. I'm finally in a healthy relationship. He respects me, leads me through serving and sacrificing, takes such good care of me, encourages me, and loves me beyond my brokenness. Our relationship is strong, weathered some pretty serious storms as we've fought to be free of old ways of thinking. But there's a big gap between us in the most intimate area of our relationship. Because of my past, I now find myself feeling numb, and distant during our intimate times together. Sometimes memories wiggle their way into my mind and I downright feel afraid, even though I have nothing to be afraid of. I gave myself away to so many people looking for love in return. But each time I did, I numbed myself and cut off any good feelings that might have come from them. You're supposed to feel a connection with the person you're having sex with, supposed to be engaged and feel good. I feel...nothing. Even when I want more than anything to connect with the man I dearly love.
I guess it's time to wrestle with my past. Thank God for a man who is patient and willing to fight by my side. More to come, this will be a rough journey.
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